Thursday, March 3, 2011

My heart...

The past few months have been pretty much a whirlwind of emotion for me. It started in September with the loss of my Little J.  A few weeks later, my Tuffy developed a limp that turned into complete hind quarter paralysis as the months passed. We did every test imaginable, tried medications, lots of prayer. We just could not figure out what was going on with him.  The weekend before Valentines day, he pretty much let me know he was done. Done with being medicated, done with all the testing. He was just done. On Valentines day, my sweet TuffyBear departed this life. He went very calmly and without pain and for that I am truly thankful. I'm still having a hard time dealing with his loss.  I thought it would be easier because I let him go on his own terms, but I guess it's never easy to lose something you love that much.  The vet noticed at that last appointment that his eyes were not reacting equally to light. One eye did not dilate at all. It was her sincere belief that he had some kind of tumor or cancer in his brain or spinal column. Things that would not necessarily have shown up on the tests that they did until it got to a certain point.  I know that there was probably nothing that could have been done, but my mind goes crazy with what ifs and it weighs very heavily on my heart. The same thing happened when I lost Little J so I know that its probably normal to feel that way. I know that it passes. I'm just having a very hard time with it.  I loved them both so much but I cannot even begin to tell you how much Tuffy was a part of me. That sweet baby loved me more than I could ever describe. Wherever I was that is where he wanted to be. Whenever I had company, he would hide in the bedroom closet, but inevitably he would come creeping out and sit on my feet or want me to hold him. His need to be with me was greater than his fears. I will always hold that in my heart.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry Sarah. I know how much you loved your babies and I can only imagine how hard it is to lose them, especially so close together like that. I hope you can make peace with it in your heart soon.