A Little Bit of Heaven

Things have been crazy around here. What else is new, right? A week after Little J passed...Tuffy began walking with a limp. I thought it was his arthritis and started giving him some glucosimine.  The limp got noticeably worse. He began dragging his foot. I made an appointment with the vet. Tuffy had not been to the vet since November of 2007.  His previous illness and experiences left, shall we say...a very negative vibe about the vet's office.  As much as it stressed him out, I took him in. He has a dropped hock.  The only way I can explain that is to say that cats and dogs walk on only part of their foot. The padding.  Tuffy's foot is completely down.  The muscle has dropped.  That can happen with diabetes or if there is a blood clot/stroke in the spinal column.  Both of those scenarios would have left him with dropped hocks on both sides. It is almost never (never say never) single sided.  We ran tests anyway. No diabetes. His levels were completely normal. No sign of stroke.  There is a chance it could have been caused by trauma, as in a misplaced jump. However, at no time during the exam did he react as if he were in pain.  So not sure what is going on with the little guy.  Praying that it is indeed just an injury that needs time to heal.   Other than that, trying to stay busy and find a new normal. I'm doing a few portrait shoots, working on teaching myself new ways to edit. Loving that.  I'm working a lot with adding textures.  I had this picture of my nephew Dalton taken when he was 3 weeks old. He was sitting on a green couch. I cloned the crease lines of the couch cushions out and then added a blue tye dye texture and boosted the saturation. Then I did a simple lighten action on it to blend the look together.  It looks like it was definitely taken on a backdrop.

And.....is he not the most adorable little bug ya ever seen.  He's almost 3 months old now. I'll be doing his portraits again this week =)

FB is censoring us now

My cousin posted something about her husband and how people think he is a blithering idiot until they meet him and see how smart he is. I tried to post a reply

"It's the american way...to think that someone different than you is an idiot ;)"

And FB deemed it blocked content. Will not let me post it in my own status, in a note, in a message.  CENSORSHIP!

Love, Life and Letting Go

I haven't blogged in awhile. I was hoping to be in a better place before I posted this.  That better place seems to be eluding me though. On Sept. 2....my beloved Little J suffered a stroke. All indications at that time were that it was a minor episode and that he would recover within a matter of days. On the morning of Sept.3, I realized that the stroke had blinded Little J.  He was still strong and eating and using his litter box when led to it, and most of the websites I found on feline strokes said that the blindness was temporary.   From the time of his stroke, Little J began to do what I call wandering. He walked circles around the house. He walked until he became trapped someplace and when rescued...he would begin to walk again.  He would not or could not lay down or still himself.  By the morning of the 4th, he had regained his voice. He was on a path to wellness I thought. But the constant wandering was still there. I bought a pack 'n' play for him to keep him safe when I couldn't watch over him. He would wander around it and cry. I got very little sleep. All day that day and the day after. He was wearing himself out.  By Monday the 6th, he was completely exhausted, and when I laid him down on his pillow for what I thought would be a 15-20 minute nap, he didn't struggle.  I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. When I opened them again...it was an hour later and Little J was still asleep. Finally, I thought and closed my eyes again. I woke back up a half hour later. Little J was still on the pillow. I went to check on him, pulled his blanket back and it looked like he was having some kind of seizure. Like he was running  in his sleep.  I couldn't get him to wake up. My heart sank. I knew that was it. He was not going to get better.  I took him into the emergency vet to have him euthanized.  He did not wake out the entire trip.  He only woke up when they stuck the iv into his paw.  His breathing was rapid. He was hyperventilating. They gave him to me to hold and calm down. Once he was calmed they gave him the shot.  It was over in a matter of a minute. He arched his head up to my neck and took his last breath.  All I could think of, was the day he was born. How he crawled up to my neck for warmth and comfort. I don't know how long I held him after that. Not nearly long enough.  It would never be long enough.  He was my buddy, my baby, my life....for 17 years and even now...almost 2 weeks later...it doesn't seem real or possible that he is no longer here. Every day...I go through the motions of life..waiting for that moment when I stop wondering, stop worrying, stop obsessing. I don't think you ever get to that point. It doesn't feel like it yet anyway.  Now I deal with Tuffy. Who doesn't understand where his best friend, his bubby has gone.  I try to create a new normal so Tuffy can let go and heal too. We're getting there..a little bit more each day. Baby steps.  I miss him still. I miss him so much. I feel broken. Like a piece of my soul has broken off and can never be returned.  I hope it gets easier. God it has to get easier. I love you Little J.