The difference...

It's been a long time since I posted about my boys. It's been a long time since I could think about them and  not miss them like crazy. I still think about them. A lot. But I noticed something the other day. When I think of 

them now...I don't think of them the way they were at the end. I remember them young, and healthy and full of life. I still miss them, but there isn't this incredible weight of sadness about missing them anymore. Something

has happened, my heart has freed my mind to remember them in a good way and in doing that...I can remember their last days without so much pain associated with it. 

I still feel them with me sometimes. I lay in bed and feel a momentary weight across my legs and know that Tuffy has found me.  I feel a nudge at my head sometimes and know that Little J is there.  Maybe it's just my physical self remembering, but something tells me that the two little guys who own my heart are always there. Always.  Life goes on. Love will always go on. 

Counting Down The Days

Spring is most definitely in the air.  Just waiting for baseball to start now. GO YANKEES!

I can haz taco pleez?

My niece and nephew came over for portraits last weekend. Savanna brought her lunch of Taco Bell with her so while she ate we did Dalton's photos.  At one point, he spied his sister eating and...well...lets just say..the boy LOVES to eat. See for yourself....

Dalton Spies the taco....

doing a little convincing...Sissy..I really need that taco...

A sweet face and a little begging couldn't hurt....

She's walking toward me....oh yay oh yay....

GIMME GIMME GIMME...

HEY!...this doesn't look like a taco.....

doesn't taste like a taco either....

Ummm Sissy...I don't think this is a taco?

fooled again....I really gotta get some teeth!

My heart...

The past few months have been pretty much a whirlwind of emotion for me. It started in September with the loss of my Little J.  A few weeks later, my Tuffy developed a limp that turned into complete hind quarter paralysis as the months passed. We did every test imaginable, tried medications, lots of prayer. We just could not figure out what was going on with him.  The weekend before Valentines day, he pretty much let me know he was done. Done with being medicated, done with all the testing. He was just done. On Valentines day, my sweet TuffyBear departed this life. He went very calmly and without pain and for that I am truly thankful. I'm still having a hard time dealing with his loss.  I thought it would be easier because I let him go on his own terms, but I guess it's never easy to lose something you love that much.  The vet noticed at that last appointment that his eyes were not reacting equally to light. One eye did not dilate at all. It was her sincere belief that he had some kind of tumor or cancer in his brain or spinal column. Things that would not necessarily have shown up on the tests that they did until it got to a certain point.  I know that there was probably nothing that could have been done, but my mind goes crazy with what ifs and it weighs very heavily on my heart. The same thing happened when I lost Little J so I know that its probably normal to feel that way. I know that it passes. I'm just having a very hard time with it.  I loved them both so much but I cannot even begin to tell you how much Tuffy was a part of me. That sweet baby loved me more than I could ever describe. Wherever I was that is where he wanted to be. Whenever I had company, he would hide in the bedroom closet, but inevitably he would come creeping out and sit on my feet or want me to hold him. His need to be with me was greater than his fears. I will always hold that in my heart.

Week 5

Still a week behind, but I am getting there. I was playing with some of these photos and editing them with a new action and decided they would be perfect for a scrap layout.  With all the different colors and patterns in their clothes, I thought it would be better and less distracting to make the pictures b+w.  Big Sister had just come home from TN for a visit, so I went over to get some portraits for my brother. This was the first time she had seen her baby brother since he was born. Little Miss S. sure has the middle child syndrome perfected. She's very silly to get everyone's attention. Of course, she's been that way her whole life. Maybe she was born to be in the middle.  To view the template for week 5, click the link below the image.

Week 5 Template

Week 4

The portraits I did of my niece last spring are hands down some of the best I have ever done of her.  It doesn't hurt of course that she is extremely beautiful. She looked stunning that day next to her sweetie in his uniform.  The red doors are at the 2nd Congregational Church a few blocks from my home. It's hard to get people to want portraits there but when they see how stunning these were...they don't hesitate now. To view the challenge template for week 4...click the link below the image.

                                                                                     Week 4

Week 3

Week 3. Various pictures I have taken of my cousin Lori's sweet little Lily. Lily was born 

a month after Dalton so it's kind of interesting to watch them both grow together. Lily is a

very expressive little girl. She's very animated and very vocal. She also has the most

beautiful eyes. Don't you agree? To view the week 3 template click link below image. 

                                                                             Week 3

Week 2

I managed to finish another scrap page. This one took me awhile. Could not get the elements right. I stumbled across this kit that I had downloaded for Jaelop Designs and the word art was perfect for the brown and blue color scheme. I had to create the tag at the bottom and don't think I did that bad. To view the challenge template click link below picture.

Week 2 Template

Week 1

I've decided to do a Scrap Page a week challenge. Sort of....I'm using the templates, doing one a week, but not actually going to enter them in the challenges. Hope this gets me off my rear and scrapping more of these photos I take.  I am 3 weeks behind so I have a few to catch up on. So far I like the templates. Lots of journaling. I like that.

Here is week one. To see the challenge template...click link below picture.

Week 1 Template

3 Great Things About 2010

For all that I lost in 2010..I gained some incredible things in my life also.  3 sweet, adorable little people entered our family fold.  Wyatt in January, Dalton in July and Lily in August. The circle of life is a curious thing, and reminds me that even though there is sadness and loss, there is also life and happiness. God is great.

Wyatt Sean born January 20th.....   

Dalton Matthew born July 6th....

and pretty in pink Miss Lily Anna born August 7th......

So Long Ago, So Far Away

Have not posted in awhile. Seems like the things I love most are gradually slipping away from me and I feel so powerless to stop it.  Tuffy is now completely paralyzed in his hind quarters.  After spending hundreds of dollars on testing and specialists, there is still no clear diagnosis of what is happening to him.  Best guess is that it is a blood clot, or a few small blood clots. I'm not buying it though. It happened gradually, not suddenly like a stroke would be..and the vet has never said anything was wrong with his heart..which is how the blood clots form. Even so, he is started on an herbal blood thinner. I pray that it works. That something works.  Kind of at my wits end with this. I feel like I'm being punished, losing both of my boys so close together.  I know that is not the case, but sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes it feels more than I can take.

But then I feel a little head nudge my hand and start to purr.  Tuffy is still Tuffy..and truthfully, he was never a very active cat to begin with. He loves to eat and to be near me. And those things haven't changed. I don't know...sometimes it seems like everything good in my life happened so long ago, and I'm trying to get back to a good place but it seems so far away.  I'm trying to stay positive, to focus on the things in my life that are good. One foot in front of the other I suppose. I have no choice.