The difference...

It's been a long time since I posted about my boys. It's been a long time since I could think about them and  not miss them like crazy. I still think about them. A lot. But I noticed something the other day. When I think of 

them now...I don't think of them the way they were at the end. I remember them young, and healthy and full of life. I still miss them, but there isn't this incredible weight of sadness about missing them anymore. Something

has happened, my heart has freed my mind to remember them in a good way and in doing that...I can remember their last days without so much pain associated with it. 

I still feel them with me sometimes. I lay in bed and feel a momentary weight across my legs and know that Tuffy has found me.  I feel a nudge at my head sometimes and know that Little J is there.  Maybe it's just my physical self remembering, but something tells me that the two little guys who own my heart are always there. Always.  Life goes on. Love will always go on. 

Counting Down The Days

Spring is most definitely in the air.  Just waiting for baseball to start now. GO YANKEES!

I can haz taco pleez?

My niece and nephew came over for portraits last weekend. Savanna brought her lunch of Taco Bell with her so while she ate we did Dalton's photos.  At one point, he spied his sister eating and...well...lets just say..the boy LOVES to eat. See for yourself....

Dalton Spies the taco....

doing a little convincing...Sissy..I really need that taco...

A sweet face and a little begging couldn't hurt....

She's walking toward me....oh yay oh yay....

GIMME GIMME GIMME...

HEY!...this doesn't look like a taco.....

doesn't taste like a taco either....

Ummm Sissy...I don't think this is a taco?

fooled again....I really gotta get some teeth!

My heart...

The past few months have been pretty much a whirlwind of emotion for me. It started in September with the loss of my Little J.  A few weeks later, my Tuffy developed a limp that turned into complete hind quarter paralysis as the months passed. We did every test imaginable, tried medications, lots of prayer. We just could not figure out what was going on with him.  The weekend before Valentines day, he pretty much let me know he was done. Done with being medicated, done with all the testing. He was just done. On Valentines day, my sweet TuffyBear departed this life. He went very calmly and without pain and for that I am truly thankful. I'm still having a hard time dealing with his loss.  I thought it would be easier because I let him go on his own terms, but I guess it's never easy to lose something you love that much.  The vet noticed at that last appointment that his eyes were not reacting equally to light. One eye did not dilate at all. It was her sincere belief that he had some kind of tumor or cancer in his brain or spinal column. Things that would not necessarily have shown up on the tests that they did until it got to a certain point.  I know that there was probably nothing that could have been done, but my mind goes crazy with what ifs and it weighs very heavily on my heart. The same thing happened when I lost Little J so I know that its probably normal to feel that way. I know that it passes. I'm just having a very hard time with it.  I loved them both so much but I cannot even begin to tell you how much Tuffy was a part of me. That sweet baby loved me more than I could ever describe. Wherever I was that is where he wanted to be. Whenever I had company, he would hide in the bedroom closet, but inevitably he would come creeping out and sit on my feet or want me to hold him. His need to be with me was greater than his fears. I will always hold that in my heart.

Week 5

Still a week behind, but I am getting there. I was playing with some of these photos and editing them with a new action and decided they would be perfect for a scrap layout.  With all the different colors and patterns in their clothes, I thought it would be better and less distracting to make the pictures b+w.  Big Sister had just come home from TN for a visit, so I went over to get some portraits for my brother. This was the first time she had seen her baby brother since he was born. Little Miss S. sure has the middle child syndrome perfected. She's very silly to get everyone's attention. Of course, she's been that way her whole life. Maybe she was born to be in the middle.  To view the template for week 5, click the link below the image.

Week 5 Template

Week 4

The portraits I did of my niece last spring are hands down some of the best I have ever done of her.  It doesn't hurt of course that she is extremely beautiful. She looked stunning that day next to her sweetie in his uniform.  The red doors are at the 2nd Congregational Church a few blocks from my home. It's hard to get people to want portraits there but when they see how stunning these were...they don't hesitate now. To view the challenge template for week 4...click the link below the image.

                                                                                     Week 4

Week 3

Week 3. Various pictures I have taken of my cousin Lori's sweet little Lily. Lily was born 

a month after Dalton so it's kind of interesting to watch them both grow together. Lily is a

very expressive little girl. She's very animated and very vocal. She also has the most

beautiful eyes. Don't you agree? To view the week 3 template click link below image. 

                                                                             Week 3

Week 2

I managed to finish another scrap page. This one took me awhile. Could not get the elements right. I stumbled across this kit that I had downloaded for Jaelop Designs and the word art was perfect for the brown and blue color scheme. I had to create the tag at the bottom and don't think I did that bad. To view the challenge template click link below picture.

Week 2 Template

Week 1

I've decided to do a Scrap Page a week challenge. Sort of....I'm using the templates, doing one a week, but not actually going to enter them in the challenges. Hope this gets me off my rear and scrapping more of these photos I take.  I am 3 weeks behind so I have a few to catch up on. So far I like the templates. Lots of journaling. I like that.

Here is week one. To see the challenge template...click link below picture.

Week 1 Template

3 Great Things About 2010

For all that I lost in 2010..I gained some incredible things in my life also.  3 sweet, adorable little people entered our family fold.  Wyatt in January, Dalton in July and Lily in August. The circle of life is a curious thing, and reminds me that even though there is sadness and loss, there is also life and happiness. God is great.

Wyatt Sean born January 20th.....   

Dalton Matthew born July 6th....

and pretty in pink Miss Lily Anna born August 7th......

So Long Ago, So Far Away

Have not posted in awhile. Seems like the things I love most are gradually slipping away from me and I feel so powerless to stop it.  Tuffy is now completely paralyzed in his hind quarters.  After spending hundreds of dollars on testing and specialists, there is still no clear diagnosis of what is happening to him.  Best guess is that it is a blood clot, or a few small blood clots. I'm not buying it though. It happened gradually, not suddenly like a stroke would be..and the vet has never said anything was wrong with his heart..which is how the blood clots form. Even so, he is started on an herbal blood thinner. I pray that it works. That something works.  Kind of at my wits end with this. I feel like I'm being punished, losing both of my boys so close together.  I know that is not the case, but sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes it feels more than I can take.

But then I feel a little head nudge my hand and start to purr.  Tuffy is still Tuffy..and truthfully, he was never a very active cat to begin with. He loves to eat and to be near me. And those things haven't changed. I don't know...sometimes it seems like everything good in my life happened so long ago, and I'm trying to get back to a good place but it seems so far away.  I'm trying to stay positive, to focus on the things in my life that are good. One foot in front of the other I suppose. I have no choice.

Crossroads

Fear is such a powerful thing sometimes.  It can paralyze you.  I don't mean in a physical sense...tho one only has to see me in the presence of a snake to know that is possible. No I mean...it keeps you from moving forward. Keeps you from things that might otherwise enrich your life.  I know this because for a few years now I have been struggling with a deep fear that has kept me from going where I know God is leading me. And the thing is...I know that this thing God is leading me towards can be very rewarding if I can just get over that fear.

A few years ago, in my line of work, I came across an article about a photographer.  Being that I am interested in photography, I read it. I am always interested in how people became interested in photography, what they shoot, what they shoot with, those little things that only seem to matter to people like me with an interest.  Well, in this article about this photographer, she mentioned that she worked with an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.   In a nutshell, people who belong to NILMSTS go out on call whenever a baby is stillborn or not expected to survive long...and they do portraits for the parents at no charge.  WOW. I thought that was just an incredible thing that people could do. What a gift to give to these parents.  And at that time, it never went beyond that thought, that moment.  A few months later, I seen mention of the organization again in a magazine. And then again, and again.  This is not something many people know about. It's not something commonly published for many reasons. But there it was, tapping my shoulder. Again and again.  About a year ago, I came across a blog through another blog that I follow. This blog was about the passing of two little girls who had been born conjoined. I can't even recall now whether these babies were born alive or not but there in the blog were the most amazing portraits of these little angels.  And there in print were the parents words of what those images meant to them.   I cried. I mean literally bawled.  I know deep in my heart that God is calling me to do something like this.  That I was given a gift for a reason. And what a way to use that gift. To give someone such a treasure. That would mean more to me than any amount I could ever charge for a portrait of a happy healthy child.

So why the hesitation. Why the fear?  Grief. I don't handle grief well. My own a little better than others though.  I am so afraid of what seeing that kind of grief would do to me mentally. I can't even state enough how crippling it is to me to see other people in that kind of emotional pain.. I internalize way too much.  I guess you could say that I got an over abundance of the empathy gene.  I want to do this. I really do. So how do I move past this fear?
I had a dream last night. God once again tapping the shoulder of my sub-conscience and telling me He is not through with this yet.  In my dream, I was at a hospital, doing portraits of children who were sick. Some had the tell tale bald heads of cancer, others had disfiguring burns.  In the dream, I was surrounded by these children and I was just so incredibly happy. There was no sadness or grief.  I know what God was telling me. I know now how to at least get the ball moving on this. I'm still afraid though.  But I keep thinking about that last line in Hope Floats about beginnings being scary and giving hope a chance.   I'm trying Lord. I'm trying.

More practice....

Some portraits I did for a friend. 

Practice Makes Perfect

I've been working some more with those textures. I found a wonderful site, Shadow House Creations , that has a plethora of amazing textures.  I just have to show the latest portrait I've done using an oil cloth texture that I dl'd from the site.

I did a mild gaussian blur on the texture to simulate the slight bokeh that was going on with Dalton's shoulder arm area.  I then combined the layers and added a vintage pink layer from a palette also downloaded from ShadowHouse Creations.  I set the blend mode of that to overlay and reduced the opacity to 30% to give Mr. Dalton a nice baby pink glow.  This kid is seriously white otherwise ;) It also helped to reduce some of the dry baby newborn skin he had going on.  I am rather loving this portrait of him.

Wordless Wednesday

Textures

I've been playing around using textures to add a portrait backdrop feel to my photos. I just wanted to give you a quick glimpse however of what a texture can do to liven up a photo.



This is the image SOOTC (straight out of the camera). A bright day and a high shutter speed do not make for deep colors. One does what one can with an active 6 year old however.

add a layer of a bright, multicolored texture found at Deviantart.com

blend the layer. I used multiply for this one I believe. The color in the texture layer add depth and warmth to the greenery in the photo.

A Little Bit of Heaven

Things have been crazy around here. What else is new, right? A week after Little J passed...Tuffy began walking with a limp. I thought it was his arthritis and started giving him some glucosimine.  The limp got noticeably worse. He began dragging his foot. I made an appointment with the vet. Tuffy had not been to the vet since November of 2007.  His previous illness and experiences left, shall we say...a very negative vibe about the vet's office.  As much as it stressed him out, I took him in. He has a dropped hock.  The only way I can explain that is to say that cats and dogs walk on only part of their foot. The padding.  Tuffy's foot is completely down.  The muscle has dropped.  That can happen with diabetes or if there is a blood clot/stroke in the spinal column.  Both of those scenarios would have left him with dropped hocks on both sides. It is almost never (never say never) single sided.  We ran tests anyway. No diabetes. His levels were completely normal. No sign of stroke.  There is a chance it could have been caused by trauma, as in a misplaced jump. However, at no time during the exam did he react as if he were in pain.  So not sure what is going on with the little guy.  Praying that it is indeed just an injury that needs time to heal.   Other than that, trying to stay busy and find a new normal. I'm doing a few portrait shoots, working on teaching myself new ways to edit. Loving that.  I'm working a lot with adding textures.  I had this picture of my nephew Dalton taken when he was 3 weeks old. He was sitting on a green couch. I cloned the crease lines of the couch cushions out and then added a blue tye dye texture and boosted the saturation. Then I did a simple lighten action on it to blend the look together.  It looks like it was definitely taken on a backdrop.

And.....is he not the most adorable little bug ya ever seen.  He's almost 3 months old now. I'll be doing his portraits again this week =)

FB is censoring us now

My cousin posted something about her husband and how people think he is a blithering idiot until they meet him and see how smart he is. I tried to post a reply

"It's the american way...to think that someone different than you is an idiot ;)"

And FB deemed it blocked content. Will not let me post it in my own status, in a note, in a message.  CENSORSHIP!

Love, Life and Letting Go

I haven't blogged in awhile. I was hoping to be in a better place before I posted this.  That better place seems to be eluding me though. On Sept. 2....my beloved Little J suffered a stroke. All indications at that time were that it was a minor episode and that he would recover within a matter of days. On the morning of Sept.3, I realized that the stroke had blinded Little J.  He was still strong and eating and using his litter box when led to it, and most of the websites I found on feline strokes said that the blindness was temporary.   From the time of his stroke, Little J began to do what I call wandering. He walked circles around the house. He walked until he became trapped someplace and when rescued...he would begin to walk again.  He would not or could not lay down or still himself.  By the morning of the 4th, he had regained his voice. He was on a path to wellness I thought. But the constant wandering was still there. I bought a pack 'n' play for him to keep him safe when I couldn't watch over him. He would wander around it and cry. I got very little sleep. All day that day and the day after. He was wearing himself out.  By Monday the 6th, he was completely exhausted, and when I laid him down on his pillow for what I thought would be a 15-20 minute nap, he didn't struggle.  I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. When I opened them again...it was an hour later and Little J was still asleep. Finally, I thought and closed my eyes again. I woke back up a half hour later. Little J was still on the pillow. I went to check on him, pulled his blanket back and it looked like he was having some kind of seizure. Like he was running  in his sleep.  I couldn't get him to wake up. My heart sank. I knew that was it. He was not going to get better.  I took him into the emergency vet to have him euthanized.  He did not wake out the entire trip.  He only woke up when they stuck the iv into his paw.  His breathing was rapid. He was hyperventilating. They gave him to me to hold and calm down. Once he was calmed they gave him the shot.  It was over in a matter of a minute. He arched his head up to my neck and took his last breath.  All I could think of, was the day he was born. How he crawled up to my neck for warmth and comfort. I don't know how long I held him after that. Not nearly long enough.  It would never be long enough.  He was my buddy, my baby, my life....for 17 years and even now...almost 2 weeks later...it doesn't seem real or possible that he is no longer here. Every day...I go through the motions of life..waiting for that moment when I stop wondering, stop worrying, stop obsessing. I don't think you ever get to that point. It doesn't feel like it yet anyway.  Now I deal with Tuffy. Who doesn't understand where his best friend, his bubby has gone.  I try to create a new normal so Tuffy can let go and heal too. We're getting there..a little bit more each day. Baby steps.  I miss him still. I miss him so much. I feel broken. Like a piece of my soul has broken off and can never be returned.  I hope it gets easier. God it has to get easier. I love you Little J.

Dalton And The Bean Bag.

No, this isn't the story of an incredibly cute little boy (although you have to admit I am) and some magic beans. It's the completely true and zany Adventures In Babysitting At Aunt Yaya's house. (That would be Aunt Sarah for you Urban Expression neophytes).  

Ok...so...a tree fell at my Uncle Bob's house (and no I don't know if it made a sound or not) and my Dad had to go and help him clean it up.  I really wanted to go along and help...you know how us guys are with power tools.  I'd grunt but they always change my diaper when I do that.  Anyway....my sister and I went over to Aunt Yaya's house for a bit because our dear sainted Mother was helping down at the church Thrift Shop.  Aunt Yaya's house is kinda cool. All sorts of metal things and lights going off all the time.  I think she calls them portraits. Not sure. I'll have to ask her someday.  This time though, Savanna didn't want to sit in the portrait and hold me.  So Aunt Yaya got this thing out called a bean bag. It was awesome. I seriously need to get one of these for my crib.  I almost hated for the lights to stop flashing it was so comfortable.  Aunt Yaya..being the cool Aunt that she is, decided that as long as I liked that bean bag...I could sit in it.  How cool is that? She put it near the window so I could look out and see the birds.  Well...look out as much as a 2 foot tall incredibly cute kid can while sitting in a bean bag. 

So I spent the afternoon chilling on the bean bag, looking out the window....

Playing the make faces game with Aunt Yaya......

having a long talk......

about some serious stuff.......

serious, serious really make you think kind of stuff....

the kind of stuff that will cross your eyes and make you tired kind of stuff....

until I had no choice and had to pretend to sleep to end the conversation.

Seriously Yaya...I love you but I have no idea what the heck a New York Yankee is so how do I know if I want to play with them or not.  You should talk to Daddy. He keeps yammering on about me playing with something called a 49er.